I'm THAT Jorge...

I never thought I would be so interested in a blog about crabs. Not these kinds, anyway.

amywithlemon:

Once again, the Japanese have proven something to me. I don’t yet know what that is, but when I read that they sometimes keep Coconut crabs for PETS, I learned something special about them. (Thankfully, I am completely uneducated about whether the Japanese have porn involving Coconut Crabs. Internet, I would like to remain that way.)

So basically what you have here is your average Coconut Crab climbing a tree. They are named Coconut Crabs because they can crack coconuts with their claws. I have never been able to crack a coconut. I once saw a blind man use a machete to crack one open, but I, myself, have never done so. Apparently these crabs can open a coconut like you or I would open a snickers bar: Violently, and with determination. Let’s just hope they don’t figure out machetes.

These things can eat you. That is the most important science fact you need to know. I’m not a scientist, but I can nearly guarantee you that these things grow to be the size of a small child. In fact, if the good Lord had let us keep Steve Irwin just a few more years, you can bet he would be dancing his latest infant in front of one of these things. 

Also scientific fact: these things are militant anti-feminists. Think I’m joking? They ate Amelia Earhart. 

These bastards of the land (They are too good for the sea. Bastards.) have yet to make it onto the endangered species list. Mostly because they are too clever to be counted. My advice: Let’s not discount them. Assume they plan to eat us all and let’s eat them all first. (Those claws look delicious.)

Conclusion: We gotta win this fight. We gotta get even with these crabs! Let’s do it for Amelia, man. We’ll do it for Amelia!