I'm THAT Jorge...

So….I’m faking it.

I have been for somewhere around a month, now. And while it hasn’t been as bad as I was afraid it would be, it’s still not ideal.

It’s been no secret to virtually anyone in my life over the last few years. I’ve tormented over the concept of a god—or at least a god that has an agenda driven by love for me that I am supposed to faithfully serve—for the better part of three years. To be completely honest, I began struggling with my own concept of God even before that point. It probably started [on some level] while I was still a minister/leader at my old church youth group. At that time, my struggles were simply in my understanding. It only occurred to me to question his existence sometime after I had utterly failed my post and been banished from a place of influence in those young people’s lives.

Bottom line. I questioned God eventually. And I still do.

I’ve done my share of study and research. I have found valid reason and support for my decision to be agnostic. I tend to keep these reasons to myself because it is neither my responsibility to turn other people to my way of thinking, nor other people’s responsibility to convince me I’m wrong. (Though, a typical christian feels strongly that it is their responsibility to ‘save’ me, and who can blame them?) But if a friend or loved one asks, and is willing to listen without confrontation, I am willing to share it with them. In fact, I think the best part of this time in my life has been my experience with christians who lent me their ears and still valued my friendship after I was done.

But everything is different in a marriage. The best of friends can respectfully disagree with your beliefs and still maintain a genuine friendship. But in marriage, certain values just have to exist in order to enrich longevity. I can only imagine that this becomes even more weighty when children enter the picture. And sure, two people who love each other deeply can probably get by with such different beliefs, but the way they operate their household HAS to convey a parallel in values.

When I first admitted my struggles to my [future] wife, who is herself a believer, she was incredibly graceful. Granted, she was dealing with internal conflicts of her own; not with the concept of a god, but with the politics, structure and purpose of the modern church. I could tell, at that time, that she would never doubt God with me. But she was willing to stand beside me while I did, and that is a grand gesture in itself. To some extent, I always expected to end up coming back from this ‘phase’ with a stronger faith and better understanding of God. I think she expected the same thing, too. But when we got married a year and half ago, I still hadn’t come any closer to a decision.

And now? Still no closer.

At this point, I’ve pretty much resolved myself to the idea that I’ll never be able to actually choose a side. And I think I’m okay with that, because it feels like a viable third option now that I’m here. The main problem is that neither group (believers or non-) is satisfied with my position. So the Christians look at and treat me like an atheist and the atheists view me as a Christian. To be fair, the truest friends in both groups see me simply as Jorge.

I’m often still afraid of hell, but I think that is more a result of a lifelong upbringing in the church. The thing they always taught us [more than any other] was that everything in life was better with God and that we would be tortured eternally without him. But even with the threat of hell hanging over my head like a halo (+1 to me for the David Bazan allusion), it isn’t enough to convince me to worship a being who isn’t willing to prove his existence to me.

***Sidenote: Don’t get me started with the line of reasoning that contends I should see the existence of god simply by looking at the world around me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You can call me Doubting Thomas. You can quote me the scripture that teaches us that those who believe without seeing are blessed. I’m willing to forfeit my extra blessings if he will just let me see and touch the holes in his hands and feet. I need to see to believe. I need the writing on the wall. I need him to call me out in person. And I do not think that is asking too much for an omnipotent and omnipresent being.***

Through the first year of our marriage, Tara and I dealt with much of the same crap that every new marriage endures. But it wasn’t that hard for us. It helped that before our wedding we had already fought through many issues most couples face years after saying their vows. Tara and I especially needed marriage. It was a necessary step for us to stop being such jerks to each other. The love had always been there, you see. But the selfishness was the last thing to go. So marriage made us better people; better to each other and better to our friends. But the one thing that still loomed over our heads was this faith. It was our one divide. There were (are) plenty of things we disagreed on, but this was the only one that mattered.

In November of 2009, after we’d been married for 13 months, I made an offer to Tara. I offered to ‘get saved’ again. I told her I couldn’t get past my doubt, but I also detest the woman who goes to church and asks her sunday school classmates to pray for her husband’s salvation. The classmates hold the woman in high regard, as if she is some kind of spiritual hero for fighting the good fight in such a personal way. Meanwhile, she neglects her husband and her marriage, withholding her love and affection from him until he accepts Christ, and expecting prayer to do the job of evangelism. Tara was not doing that to me, but I was sure she would someday if our values didn’t eventually fall in line. Tara declined my offer, inviting me to continue looking for answers. It was a good moment for us.

Soon enough, however, we discovered that the discussion needed to be continued. I had perceived her willingness to let me continue my search for truth as a demonstration that she was happy with me no matter what I eventually chose to believe. In all actuality, her graciousness stemmed from a mindset and belief that I was simply in a phase; that eventually, it would pass. So just a couple of months ago, we confronted the issue. I told her I felt I had officially reached a place where I would never be able to choose a side in the matter. I told her it wasn’t a phase, and I wanted to know what that would do for our relationship. She told me she didn’t know, but that she was never going to stop believing in God and that she had decided she was going to proactively pursue a relationship with him, even if I never did. Coming to terms with the fact that I was not merely in a phase, Tara told me that she still believed she would love me the same way for the rest of our lives. Whether true or not, I was (and still am) certain that our marriage would have eventually become miserable if we continued to take such different directions.

So I came back to God.

Mind you, I did it begrudgingly. But more important, I’m doing it honestly. I’m not pretending to have had an emotional breakthrough. I didn’t go respond to an altar call. I’m still full of doubt and my beliefs are clouded in uncertainty. I’m not praying (except to be respectful of people who ask to pray with me), I’m not raising my hands during worship, I’m not even taking part in communion. But I am going back to church, and I’m being tolerant of a faith that just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m making a conscious effort to bite my tongue when I think a christian is being a selfish, inhumane dick. I am supporting my wife’s leadership role with a Christian women’s group called Captured. I am operating my household as a Christian.

That’s why I say that I’m “faking it.” I don’t necessarily believe, but if I ever have a child, I will take them to church if they want to go. And until they are old enough, if they ask me what I believe, I will tell them I believe in God. After all, I don’t NOT believe in God. Some things in this faith, I will openly dispute to my child. I will teach them to serve humanity before following some of the delusional politics of christian morals. I will openly fight for the acceptance and equality the homosexual community, in hopes of raising a child who does not grow up disgusted and prejudiced against something he/she simply does not understand. I spent years condemning (almost hating) that community, and it’s embarrassing for me to make that admission. Most importantly, I will teach my child what it means to love people, even at our own expense.

To many (if not most), this will not make sense. To a few, it might even seem offensive and sacrilegious. To others, it will simply seem impossible.

“How can you change your lifestyle without changing what you believe?”

It’s easy. You fake it.